remember the scene in goonies when chunk confesses everything he ever did? he basically spills his guts. most memorable is when he confessed that he made a fake ralphing noise then dropped fake puke over the balcony at the movie theatre... for some reason i think of that scene as i think of myself things i've said and the way i acted and responded to life, people, etc it makes me cringe. and at times i want to chuck all over the place. lovely thought, isn't it?
i cringe at the mere thought of not loving people the way i've been called to.... that's probably the reason why i cringe at so many things...
i cringe at the stupid things i've said on dates... or to guys i've crushed on... or the reasons why i stopped liking someone...
i cringe at the way i've treated my family over the past 25 years or so... they are the hardest for me to love...
i cringe when i think of how many times i pretend not to see the homeless guy on the corner holding a sign that reads: "Anything Helps! God Bless"
i cringe when i throw away tons of rotten food; i didn't eat all of it and it went sour. millions are dying of starvation in africa and here i am throwing away spoiled food... i suck!
i cringe when i remember someone from my childhood that i chose to ignore or make fun of... i had no idea how mean i was then... how we were then... how i can be... how we all can be. mean people suck!
i cringe when i think of how many hours i've wasted looking for things on craigslist... i'm always looking for something... car, housing, furniture, etc. will i ever be content with the things i already have?
i cringe... oh, how i cringe at so many things...
i know many of you are reading this and are thinking, steph, this is all forgiven, quit beating yourself up already! SHEESH!!! you're right... but i confess all of this because i know if i don't then it will continue to make me cringe and puke. maybe chunk's confessions were far from being contrite, he just didn't want his fingers to be blended to death or chopped off. i like my fingers and I don't want them blended either, but i must say it feels good get these off of my chest! i hope you all know i'm not beating myself up, i know my shortcomings and i believe in the power of redemption and healing. i really do!
please feel free to confess your cringes, if you will.
i'm off to sunny socal in a.m. for the week... we'll see if there's time to blog.
2 comments:
I just noticed you use the "verb" ralphing in the post title. It makes me think of such timeless quotes as, "my cat's breath smells like cat food." Also, if you ever want to borrow the Goonies DVD, let me know. The commentary is really cool, and it has the Cyndi Lauper (w/Captain Lou Albano, The Iron Sheik, and some other '80's WWF wrestlers) theme video. Now, on with the comment...
I'm totally on the same page with the whole cringing aspect of guilt. Every now and then some selfish sin I committed eons ago or bad experience I had at the hands of someone being equally selfish pops into the front of my brain, and totally rains on my parade. It makes me depressed, and I feel sick of how I acted, treated somebody or allowed myself to be treated. It's hard to realize this when it's happening, but it's just the enemy distracting you. Super job for talking about your cringes.
Hasta,
--Your mom
thanks matt for thoughts on this. much appreciated. and, i need to borrow goonies like STAT!
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