Chainsaws, spanish, allergies & pine trees

This morning I woke up to the sound of men talking, okay more like yelling. I was super annoyed because just 3 hours before I was blowing snotrockets into some recycled TP. Up all night, actually.

Allergies.

I hate allergies.

This is my second round this season of feeling like butt from allergies.

So when I heard these men yelling, I was beyond annoyed. Granted it was 8:15 a.m. and I was still in bed; at about 2:30 a.m. I had already made the executive decision to use my sick time.

I then realized that these guys were yelling in spanish. Then I heard a chainsaw.

My immediate thought was how do I yell out the window 'shut the &*@# up!' in spanish!? I'm not a very nice person when I'm sick and trying to sleep...

So, I got out of bed and immediately went into the bathroom to blow more snotrockets and do some nasal irrigation.

I then contemplated why the following have let me down: claritin-D, claritin, flonase, alegra-D, republicans, etc.

More chainsaw noise.

More of me cussing in my head (no espanol).

I realized at this point that I'm dying. Dying of allergies. I remembered that there's this huge tree outside one of my bedroom windows. Pine tree over three stories in height. That's why I'm dying.

Then I was trying to think of the spanish text for: Please cut down the pine tree by my window.

Decided to wash all of my bedding to get rid of the pine tree pollen, which I suspected was causing my problems.

So... I went to the doc this afternoon got a new prescription for some new allergy meds. She thinks I might have sinus infection. Suck!

The end.

Blocking Babushkas

No this isn't a name for my new emo band, although I'm liking the name. It's actually this idea I have to combat the porn industry.

You see on Colfax St in Denver there are some hip places to grab a bite to eat, chill at some local indie coffee shops, see a show at a cool venue and that's all with the backdrop of prostitutes sauntering the streets and the plethora of XXX stores.

If I had it my way I would get rid of those stores altogether! But apparently they have quite the business.

I've had this crazy idea to hire grandmas (babushkas) to stand in front of the doors passively blocking store patrons from entering the store.

I got the idea from my time in Russia. In Russia these old ladies or grandmas are called babushkas, and they're so-called uniform is a scarf over their head and they typically carry bags of stuff, and I would definitely say they are quite feisty.

The babushkas there were always telling you what you should and shouldn't do. For instance, it was in the upper 50's, which felt super warm to us, so a friend of mine was wearing flip flops. This babushka told her off, in Russian, that she shouldn't be wearing sandals. I can't tell you how many times I was told to wear a shwapka (hat) when it was not hat weather.

Babushkas aren't afraid to speak their minds, especially when it comes things that the youth are doing wrong.

So, having a campaign of some sorts with these grandmas blocking the doors I think would work. Passive aggressive, perhaps it is. But I can guarantee you that these blocking babushkas will keep men second guessing entering the dodgy stores.

THIS is my subtle way to block the porn industry.

Bicycle seats the culprit for deflated love lives?

So apparently we can all stop blaming our parents and ex's for our deflated love lives... well, that is if you ride a bike. You can now put the blame on bikes!

Why bikes? you suspiciously ask.

Well, it's not so much the bike itself but the actual bike seat.

After riding your bike or going to spin class you get off your bike and you've probably noticed that you're a bit numb in the bicycle seat area, i.e. crotch.

Traditional bike seats, the kind with a narrow rear and pointy nose, could lead to or play a role in sexual impotence, sadly.

In fact, there was a study by Boston University in Italy found that the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence or loss of libido -- seriously! And, mountain bikers experience 'saddle-related trauma' as well.

Those crafty bicycle seats mostly affect men's love lives, however, women can have similar issues to men, i.e. low sex-drive or sexual dysfunction.

Whew! Before you start crying and bringing your bike to those expensive counselor appointments or even posting your brand new bike on Craigslist, it's been suggested to buy a new seat for your bike that's specifically designed to protect your privates.

Or, you could try a different position while riding your bike.

Or, you could just continue riding your bike, like you do, with a numb crotch, and become a Nun or Monk. I hear they have some great internships!

good-bye flip flops (sniff, sniff)

This morning I walked to work, but this time I looked different. It's Friday, even though it's not casual friday I always manage to be less concerned with my Friday attire. I'm a rebel.

But since it's basically summer, I wore a casual skirt and a blouse, mostly casual business. OK, Colorado business casual. But, my shoes... you'll laugh and think I'm a dork, but I'm wearing my running shoes. Yes, running shoes! Because of this recent pain, I just can't walk in my flip flops anymore. So, I've decided that I'm going to have to retire my flip-flops until further notice.

Totally sucks because flip flops = warm weather = cute flip flops = painted toes = me happy. But the reality is flip flops are horrible for your feet. I'll probably sport my chacos, they have support, but I'm gonna have to say peace out to my flip flops.

So sad.

But when you're in pain you have to admit it and choose comfort over cute.

'Please come to Denver' campaign

So, a few weeks ago I sent a little email to Trader Joe's telling them to please come to Denver.

I think if we all write in then Trader Joe's will start looking into it, and that photo to your right will read: 'Denver, CO NOW OPEN'.

Below is the canned message they sent me; and below that is my original dorky message.

Click here and write in the subject line 'Please come to Denver' and that's it; if you want to write more like I did then that's fine.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hello Stephanie,
We appreciate your suggestions and enthusiasm regarding opening a store in Colorado. We regret to inform you that at this time we have no confirmed plans for a store location in this area.We are always looking for new locations and are open to suggestions and we appreciate the information you have provided. It truly shows us what a great fan you are of our stores when you scout locations for us! We will keep your recommendations in our files for future consideration. We do have plans on coming to the state. However, due to lack of warehousing and vendors to supply product, we do not have the capabilities to yet supply the area. At this time this state in not in the Trader Joe's 2-year plan. The sale is alcohol is not an issue with where we place our stores as we are in a number of dry states. You can keep up to date of new store locations by accessing our website at www.traderjoes.com.

Thank you for your inquiry and thank for thinking of Trader Joe's.

Kellye Trader Joe'sCustomer Relations

-----Original Message----- [mailto:************@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, April 20, 2007 10:48 AMTo: Web Customer RelationsSubject: Trader Joe's General Feedback

Dear TJ's,

First I love your store. Anytime I'm in Cali or NM, I go to them and stock up! And, so do all my friends in Colo. So, please come to Denver, CO!

Don't let the booze in the stores stop you either; Super Target in Glendale, CO sells liquor in that store, they somehow found a little loophole.

You would have a great market here, too. All my friends LOVE TJs! Denver is like an annex of California.

Sincerely,
Stephanie
Denver, Colorado

nice lady to POS

last week right before this interview for a human interest story for work, a teenage girl asked to borrow a cell phone. i let her use mine. to keep this story short i'll cut to the chase. it turns out she was kidnapped and taken to an apt a couple doors down from where we were doing our interview. i helped her call 911. later after the police came i filled out a police report. i had to tell them everything she told me.

although it was quite sad for her, for some reason now i keep thinking about how this whole thing was so timely and why i got involved. i was the one who arranged the interview, picked 4:30 instead of 4:15 pm. in fact, i know if we were any earlier or later we would've missed her. another thought i have is my choice to engage with this girl. i knew when she asked to use a cell phone that something was very wrong. i also knew when i later asked her if we needed to call the police that i was going to get more involved here. i even asked her if the men hurt her-- they did.

i don't consider myself a good samaritan by doing what i did because i'm sure most of you out there given the same situation would've done what i did. you would've helped her. right before she got in the police car i told her she was brave and that she was going to be okay. she referred to me as the 'nice lady'.

right after leaving the interview and dealing with the police and the kidnapped girl, i stopped by wal-mart on my way to another work related thing.

i typically never shop at wal-mart, but I went for a work related reason and i had to buy something. while looking for something and simultaneously hyper-ventilating, a woman called me a "piece of sh*t." gee, thanks.... merry christmas to you, too! a loathe wal-mart!

so, in less than an hour i go from 'nice lady' to 'piece of sh*t'!

'It'

It.

What is 'it'?

'It' could mean so many things...

For instance, with OJ Simpson 'it' meant murder. "He did it!" I mean, "What if I did it?"

Then I keep thinking about that one Seinfeld episode where Elaine says, after her date, "He took it out." In that case 'it' means... um, well... male genitalia. There. I said it.

Of course, in high school / college 'it' meant sex, apparently, at least I think it did...

My favorite form of the word -- in 4th grade, this super smart kid (actually went to Harvard), Chung Lee, would inevitably say 'it' after our entire class said, "shhhhhh!" Ya know, now that I think about it, Chung was pretty funny. Shhhhh... 'it'. Very funny. I'm going to try that at my next work meeting or something.

Well, that's it.