"non smoking dogs"

After several weeks of house rental hunting, my roommate and I are very close to securing one.

I must say, we've seen some funny ones, but I feel like landlords are some of the interesting characters. Like this one dude was totally Barney Fife. Sounded like him and everything.

What cracks me up are people describing their rentals. Um-yeah, this one guy was like "are you ready to see a place that will change your life?" We saw it and my immediate thought was if I lived there I would end my life. I think I've seen public restrooms as better options.

Man, yesterday we looked at this one. Geesh, first these guys on the other half of the duplex we're yelling at video games, and then when my roommate walked by they yelled "hello" and then "I love you". We both were like no way just dealing with obnoxious college boys. Then the landlady walked by and yelled at them for talking to us. So, we go inside and my first sniff was like "wow, it's a potpourri of cat urine, mothballs, mold and ass. Gee, let me think -- um no!"

I've decided that words that people use to make their rentals sound better like for instance 'cozy' = closet; 'full basement' = storage basement; 'unique' or 'charming' = wacky nonconforming piece of crap.

Lastly, my favorite craigs some posting had 'non smoking dogs only' um, okay...

So, hopefully by this weekend we'll sign a lease!

DQ

"I don't eat meat..." "Shwto?"

This scene from 'Everything Is Illuminated' makes me laugh for so many reasons. The post-Soviet culture to being a veggie. I can't tell you how many times I've had this conversation with Americans, not Russians since I wasn't a veg then. And, I'm amazed that my choice to be a vegetarian offends people. I don't understand it.

But ya know, we live in a society where people solely eat meat, no fruit. Any diet out there that says you can eat greasy bacon and not fruit is totally jacked up!

But if you're at all interested in learning more about being a vegetarian / vegan then click on this link. It'll answer some of your questions like: How do you get enough protein if you don't eat meat? Heard of a complete protein before? Beans + rice = complete protein. Hummus + pita = complete protein. Much healthier than meat.

Things I remember...

the time I woke up being carried by my mom; someone was trying to break into our house while my dad was out of town. After being carried and flung around like a ragdoll, I rubbed my eyes and realized that I was in my parents' bathroom. There I was just standing there trying to make sense of the everything. My mom was frantically calling the police while our dog Ginger was barking like crazy and my sister was dancing around the bathroom because she had to pee. My mom told her to go to bathroom since we were in the bathroom; that wasn't the funny thing but the fact that my old house had like over 20 phone jacks throughout the house, even in the bathrooms. I guess my mom was glad we had one; the robber 'the snake' didn't officially break into our house, just tried to.

my first fear of losing someone. I was in pre-school and while my carpool dropped me off, we noticed my dad's car was home, which was unusually since he was supposed to be at work. So, I go inside and find my parents in their room embracing as they sat on their bed; my mom was crying. My dad told me that she had wrecked the family station wagon. The next day or so we went to the junkyard to get some of my mom's personal belongings; the car was all smashed up. So I kissed the car hoping it would turn back into the car it used to be. I knew at that moment that magic was fake... but the truth is I knew I was very close to losing my mom. It definitely scared me enough that I wouldn't let my mom out of my sight for years... nothing could happen to her if I was around.

I also remember cussing for the first time. I was like 6 or something and I called my sister an "ass" when we were playing some game. I think my mom just laughed.

Losing my first tooth after biting into a chewy cookie.

Seeing 'ET' in the theatre.

Laughing so hard that I hit my head on my bed frame and then got a concussion. The babysitter was taking care of us. After we dropped her off, I puked in the car all over the place.

I forged my mom's signature in 5th grade because I didn't want to go to some dumb choir thing. My mom busted me and said, "I would've signed it if you didn't want to go. But I must say your forgery is quite good." I like it that my mom gave me props for my forgery techniques. A skill that came in handy.

Every night growing up I lied in bed terrified that the scary ax guy standing outside my bedroom was going to chop me up to death. I was just lying there scared to death. I didn't move a muscle in case he knew I was watching him. The next day I would check for foot prints by my bedroom window. No prints, but there was a small shrub there that I believe to this day morphed itself into a scary ax man.

My high school art teacher, Mr. Leaf, thought that my drawings were phallic. Okay, weirdo. But he was the guy who sold, ahem, I mean stole my design, creation for $50 to the boys soccer team. Bastard!

Lots of things come to mind, I suppose.

craigslist giggles

Lately I've been obsessed with craigslist especially with (a) finding a new place to live and (b) finding a bike.

Below is one of the funniest craigs' postings I've ever seen! Well, besides some of those creepy personals.

check it:
http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/368492314.html

[Note: since the link is being lame here's what you would've seen]

**CLOWN BIKE ** - $25
Reply to: sale-368492314@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-07-07, 9:07AM MDT27"tall bike. Adult can ride! Cash only.

Chainsaws, spanish, allergies & pine trees

This morning I woke up to the sound of men talking, okay more like yelling. I was super annoyed because just 3 hours before I was blowing snotrockets into some recycled TP. Up all night, actually.

Allergies.

I hate allergies.

This is my second round this season of feeling like butt from allergies.

So when I heard these men yelling, I was beyond annoyed. Granted it was 8:15 a.m. and I was still in bed; at about 2:30 a.m. I had already made the executive decision to use my sick time.

I then realized that these guys were yelling in spanish. Then I heard a chainsaw.

My immediate thought was how do I yell out the window 'shut the &*@# up!' in spanish!? I'm not a very nice person when I'm sick and trying to sleep...

So, I got out of bed and immediately went into the bathroom to blow more snotrockets and do some nasal irrigation.

I then contemplated why the following have let me down: claritin-D, claritin, flonase, alegra-D, republicans, etc.

More chainsaw noise.

More of me cussing in my head (no espanol).

I realized at this point that I'm dying. Dying of allergies. I remembered that there's this huge tree outside one of my bedroom windows. Pine tree over three stories in height. That's why I'm dying.

Then I was trying to think of the spanish text for: Please cut down the pine tree by my window.

Decided to wash all of my bedding to get rid of the pine tree pollen, which I suspected was causing my problems.

So... I went to the doc this afternoon got a new prescription for some new allergy meds. She thinks I might have sinus infection. Suck!

The end.

Blocking Babushkas

No this isn't a name for my new emo band, although I'm liking the name. It's actually this idea I have to combat the porn industry.

You see on Colfax St in Denver there are some hip places to grab a bite to eat, chill at some local indie coffee shops, see a show at a cool venue and that's all with the backdrop of prostitutes sauntering the streets and the plethora of XXX stores.

If I had it my way I would get rid of those stores altogether! But apparently they have quite the business.

I've had this crazy idea to hire grandmas (babushkas) to stand in front of the doors passively blocking store patrons from entering the store.

I got the idea from my time in Russia. In Russia these old ladies or grandmas are called babushkas, and they're so-called uniform is a scarf over their head and they typically carry bags of stuff, and I would definitely say they are quite feisty.

The babushkas there were always telling you what you should and shouldn't do. For instance, it was in the upper 50's, which felt super warm to us, so a friend of mine was wearing flip flops. This babushka told her off, in Russian, that she shouldn't be wearing sandals. I can't tell you how many times I was told to wear a shwapka (hat) when it was not hat weather.

Babushkas aren't afraid to speak their minds, especially when it comes things that the youth are doing wrong.

So, having a campaign of some sorts with these grandmas blocking the doors I think would work. Passive aggressive, perhaps it is. But I can guarantee you that these blocking babushkas will keep men second guessing entering the dodgy stores.

THIS is my subtle way to block the porn industry.

Bicycle seats the culprit for deflated love lives?

So apparently we can all stop blaming our parents and ex's for our deflated love lives... well, that is if you ride a bike. You can now put the blame on bikes!

Why bikes? you suspiciously ask.

Well, it's not so much the bike itself but the actual bike seat.

After riding your bike or going to spin class you get off your bike and you've probably noticed that you're a bit numb in the bicycle seat area, i.e. crotch.

Traditional bike seats, the kind with a narrow rear and pointy nose, could lead to or play a role in sexual impotence, sadly.

In fact, there was a study by Boston University in Italy found that the more a person rides, the greater the risk of impotence or loss of libido -- seriously! And, mountain bikers experience 'saddle-related trauma' as well.

Those crafty bicycle seats mostly affect men's love lives, however, women can have similar issues to men, i.e. low sex-drive or sexual dysfunction.

Whew! Before you start crying and bringing your bike to those expensive counselor appointments or even posting your brand new bike on Craigslist, it's been suggested to buy a new seat for your bike that's specifically designed to protect your privates.

Or, you could try a different position while riding your bike.

Or, you could just continue riding your bike, like you do, with a numb crotch, and become a Nun or Monk. I hear they have some great internships!

good-bye flip flops (sniff, sniff)

This morning I walked to work, but this time I looked different. It's Friday, even though it's not casual friday I always manage to be less concerned with my Friday attire. I'm a rebel.

But since it's basically summer, I wore a casual skirt and a blouse, mostly casual business. OK, Colorado business casual. But, my shoes... you'll laugh and think I'm a dork, but I'm wearing my running shoes. Yes, running shoes! Because of this recent pain, I just can't walk in my flip flops anymore. So, I've decided that I'm going to have to retire my flip-flops until further notice.

Totally sucks because flip flops = warm weather = cute flip flops = painted toes = me happy. But the reality is flip flops are horrible for your feet. I'll probably sport my chacos, they have support, but I'm gonna have to say peace out to my flip flops.

So sad.

But when you're in pain you have to admit it and choose comfort over cute.

'Please come to Denver' campaign

So, a few weeks ago I sent a little email to Trader Joe's telling them to please come to Denver.

I think if we all write in then Trader Joe's will start looking into it, and that photo to your right will read: 'Denver, CO NOW OPEN'.

Below is the canned message they sent me; and below that is my original dorky message.

Click here and write in the subject line 'Please come to Denver' and that's it; if you want to write more like I did then that's fine.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hello Stephanie,
We appreciate your suggestions and enthusiasm regarding opening a store in Colorado. We regret to inform you that at this time we have no confirmed plans for a store location in this area.We are always looking for new locations and are open to suggestions and we appreciate the information you have provided. It truly shows us what a great fan you are of our stores when you scout locations for us! We will keep your recommendations in our files for future consideration. We do have plans on coming to the state. However, due to lack of warehousing and vendors to supply product, we do not have the capabilities to yet supply the area. At this time this state in not in the Trader Joe's 2-year plan. The sale is alcohol is not an issue with where we place our stores as we are in a number of dry states. You can keep up to date of new store locations by accessing our website at www.traderjoes.com.

Thank you for your inquiry and thank for thinking of Trader Joe's.

Kellye Trader Joe'sCustomer Relations

-----Original Message----- [mailto:************@yahoo.com] Sent: Friday, April 20, 2007 10:48 AMTo: Web Customer RelationsSubject: Trader Joe's General Feedback

Dear TJ's,

First I love your store. Anytime I'm in Cali or NM, I go to them and stock up! And, so do all my friends in Colo. So, please come to Denver, CO!

Don't let the booze in the stores stop you either; Super Target in Glendale, CO sells liquor in that store, they somehow found a little loophole.

You would have a great market here, too. All my friends LOVE TJs! Denver is like an annex of California.

Sincerely,
Stephanie
Denver, Colorado